Paul thought it would be a lovely idea for he and I to go back to Ireland for a few days, Friday to Monday a couple of weeks ago, I am still grieving.
We enlisted lovely Leigh and ma boy Troy to look after the minions and another friend had said she'd take Eden so as to lighten Leigh's load and keep her out of trouble ... That gave Eden the excuse to turn into the manipulative ... Female that she has worked so hard to perfect ... She biggedup what a boring time she would have with them and how she didnt know anyone or have anything to do ... And said friends didn't want to do anything that she didn't want to. Begs the question, who's the adult? Guess it ain't me, because I'm rather hurt by it and felt that I needed to return home ASAP. As a result, my stomach that I had been all but ignoring fairly successfully, stepped it up a gear and proceeded to be rather horrible for the next 48 hours. Yes, yes, poor me and all that. I shall spare you the details, but enough to say that it has made me think that it was just a bad idea and I feel worse than when I went and had to suffer the indignity and discomfort I could have well managed without.
Yes, I did see my dear dear friend Lisa, yes I had a fantastic if too short time with her and her lovely family. Also, my lovely family, my aunt Kathleen whom i adore and just loves me and hates to see me leaving as much as i hate going, my marathon running cousin, Hugh, who had just completed a 5k run in 30mins 14 seconds (and he is 50!!) also saw aunt Harriet, uncle Emmet, Michael whom paul had called but another aunt had not passed on the right message. He was a fair bit shocked that we were there, not rreally surprising though, concidering the last time i was over without the family has pretty much lead him to believe his god will condem his soul to hell? And yes, also found some really cool places, Antrim and Armoy round towers, Ballycastle beach, a site with court stone circles on our way down through northern Ireland, royal sites around co Roscommon which is to where I always return. Kelly's caves down in cong and Ratha ancient earthworks with henges and clearly stone chambers/mounds visible where animals have displaced the earth. But when this was planned for 3 nights, that's only 3 nights under the truest darkest nights that I have ever known, 3 nights before having to leave. One night at Lisa's before a tearful farewell, I havent seen here in 2 years and don't know when I will again. The end of the first evening in Roscommon I had spent a perfect evening at my aunts, despite her worrying for my cousin, we kept her entertained and then when Hugh was back, we continued a perfect evening in Urlaur. A little place down a winding lane and in a dirty auld shed, in a manky auld bucket, you'll find my heart. Ripped it out right before I left. Nothing changes there, so I know it will be safe. Safe just meters from the spot my Nan was born and her mother and father died. Home.
The morning after the 2nd night I felt heartbroken I would be leaving soon. That I only had a day left, and then I don't know when or even if I shall every return. I say I will never leave it as long as I did before ( left it 10 years once, my soul was in pieces) but when I can't leave my children and have my plans followed, or I experience what I did whilst there, the pain and problems, then to come home and the children baked a cake or 3 and put up a banner welcoming us home and it's all I can do not to howl in pain. I feel like a wounded animal. I am not ungrateful (huh! Says my husband) but I am hurting and I want to go home, no, I need to be home. And I am not, nor know when I could return. I am crying just thinking of it. So I try not to, try to forget that where I live is not my home, that I am here because of other peoples choices that were more important than mine.
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