All the fun of the fayre

Paul took children to the park and finally gave into playing crazy golf with them, well Sparx n MissMonkey, older girls went swimming and no1 son was at work. 

I wanted to go, I had done all I could to pace myself and not push my limits and stayed calm and without stressing ... Only to not be able to leave the house again. I am in bed because I'm cold and it's 24oC/75oF in here and I have goosebumps. Every time I move around I have the pressure feeling cramping heavy pulling in the lower left of my abdomen and when I try to go to the loo, only more cramping and tenesmus. My legs don't work properly, my hips and pubic bone feel like they are in a vice. From what I can gather, basically my weakened pelvic floor from the ODS (intussusception) had for 25+ years, 5 children, being over weight (although that is now negligible) and the many years of abdominal discomfort when I had been told there was nothing wrong with me, twas my weight, diet, lack of exercise, fibre, couldn't possibly be in any pain, I was making it up! It's depression, get a grip, take some pills, shut up and fuck off.

But the lower part of my bowel was shutting off, meaning I couldn't poo for day, weeks, months, yes that's right MONTHS! Because of it I have developed bizarre eating habits that are usually called bulimea nervosa within the psychiatric departments of medical establishments. This was more as a coping technique than a belief I was fat or anything else. I have always known I am an acquired taste, both my looks and personality, my looks I came to realise I wasn't as bad as all that when I was 34, my personality ... The jury still out on that one ... But my eating is about knowing what goes in must come out and the assosiated uncertainty/dread/fear that goes with that. I don't know how well or when or even if my body is going to deal with the food and I end up throwing it all up coz she decided, nope, not doing that now. I get hungry, starving because I haven't eaten for days, I gorge, thinking 'fuck it, I am too hungry to care about the outcome' and I am so desperate not not feel so weak, so unwell. Even though, I am not ill.

Today, I have easily gone to the GP and and cried and cried and cried for help, if I had one. Today my family again, stood around my bed waiting on me, waiting for me to let them down again,I did not disappoint. Luckily for them, daddy had taken the day off and picked up the slack. I sat here alone with the guilt and the pain and the loneliness of failing them again, being left behind again, stuck behind the door because outside is a step too far today. Just like yesterday. And the day before.

But I am not sick.