An appointment

So, I saw the gynae, mr hillard, on Friday. I had asked my GP to see if that appt could be brought forward becaus it was 2 months from last test to this appt. but she didn't. She also said she wouldn't throw me off the books of doctors but has and said she would write a letter, but saying I'm aggressive to my care givers doesn't help thank you very much dr faulty. One saying I am terrified each time I make an appt and my anxiety and abject fear may appear to be and has been often mistaken for aggression, but that would have been helpful.

My appointment on Friday went a little like this ... How are you ... No better, if anything worse ... Well you tests show nothing, you stil have a bit of intusseception but nothing to worry about, and the scan was clear ... Sorry, but I still have intusseception? ... Yes, but you've been to colorectal and they are saying its your muscles, anyways, we can treat your heavy periods, you can have a coil, endometrial ablation or a hysterectomy what do you want ... Erm, the neurogastroenterologist I saw said I might be worse off having surgery and I am not comfortable with a coil, endo ablation I know nothing about. And the neurogastro said he wanted to see my notes and order some more tests but i have not heard anything ... Well, find out whats going on with him. Tell ya what, look this up (writes novasure on a bit of paper) come back in 3 months Cheerio.

On friday after this appt. I called and left a message for the secretary of dr Coleman in Southampton, the neurogastroenterologist I have been referred to as it has now been 5 weeks since I saw him and the magic 18 weeks since refer but not heard anything, no tests, no letter to GP, no request for records from my local hospital. She called me back this morning to say he had started a draft and was going to be ordering my notes soon but had been on holiday the last 3 weeks, how very fucking nice for him. Thing with all this bollox is that looks like it is going to move along, something will get sorted, oh yes refer me here and there, but when I get there for the appointments or wait for the tests, nothing is forthcoming, there are no answers, not even to the questions I have asked.

I am fucked off. I am back in bed because I cannot handle being up. I wanted to take kids out, but cramp and pressure and now fear and anxiety have eclipsed my future again. I am hungry but too scared to eat coz what goes in must come out again and it's like sticking my hand in a fire voluntarily each time I can't fight the hunger any longer. And this is the colour of my future, to crave the outside, company that I bore stupid with my "not sick"ness, to not be able to go far from my bed or sofa and to live in fear that this is as good as it is gonna get, plans forever cancelled because I am a bit off and can't go out or bear the embarrassment of my friends at their pathetic mate feeling a bit off. It is, after all, nothing serious ... Just there, stealing my children's mother and all her love, because when all you see is the inside of the lav you can't love your children that much huh? When you cant bear to be touch because your skin is crawling, when all you can do is shout at them because they shout at each other and all i can heard is pain and hate. That the only escape I can think of from this pain is to take my own life but that would be the cruelest of all, how could any mother? I know only too well, I can feel the prospect of relief from this pain, discomfort, life stealer like a zephyr washing over me on a hot day, and then I remember I can't do that to them. In one of my more uncomfortable days I told them, Paul and the children of how I felt. They were angry, I  believe, both then and now, they would all be happier because they could get over a death, but the slow removal of my sanity, my independence, my life would be far more painful for us all. Paul did say, make sure I kill the dog too, he would not want to have to care for her as well.

All the fun of the fayre

Paul took children to the park and finally gave into playing crazy golf with them, well Sparx n MissMonkey, older girls went swimming and no1 son was at work. 

I wanted to go, I had done all I could to pace myself and not push my limits and stayed calm and without stressing ... Only to not be able to leave the house again. I am in bed because I'm cold and it's 24oC/75oF in here and I have goosebumps. Every time I move around I have the pressure feeling cramping heavy pulling in the lower left of my abdomen and when I try to go to the loo, only more cramping and tenesmus. My legs don't work properly, my hips and pubic bone feel like they are in a vice. From what I can gather, basically my weakened pelvic floor from the ODS (intussusception) had for 25+ years, 5 children, being over weight (although that is now negligible) and the many years of abdominal discomfort when I had been told there was nothing wrong with me, twas my weight, diet, lack of exercise, fibre, couldn't possibly be in any pain, I was making it up! It's depression, get a grip, take some pills, shut up and fuck off.

But the lower part of my bowel was shutting off, meaning I couldn't poo for day, weeks, months, yes that's right MONTHS! Because of it I have developed bizarre eating habits that are usually called bulimea nervosa within the psychiatric departments of medical establishments. This was more as a coping technique than a belief I was fat or anything else. I have always known I am an acquired taste, both my looks and personality, my looks I came to realise I wasn't as bad as all that when I was 34, my personality ... The jury still out on that one ... But my eating is about knowing what goes in must come out and the assosiated uncertainty/dread/fear that goes with that. I don't know how well or when or even if my body is going to deal with the food and I end up throwing it all up coz she decided, nope, not doing that now. I get hungry, starving because I haven't eaten for days, I gorge, thinking 'fuck it, I am too hungry to care about the outcome' and I am so desperate not not feel so weak, so unwell. Even though, I am not ill.

Today, I have easily gone to the GP and and cried and cried and cried for help, if I had one. Today my family again, stood around my bed waiting on me, waiting for me to let them down again,I did not disappoint. Luckily for them, daddy had taken the day off and picked up the slack. I sat here alone with the guilt and the pain and the loneliness of failing them again, being left behind again, stuck behind the door because outside is a step too far today. Just like yesterday. And the day before.

But I am not sick.

I now have the time

Dear Ebs just got back from Barnsley with a wee gift for yours truely ... A watch! I don't normally wear them as they stop after a day or 2, not because I never take off my jewellery in the shower, coz I remember watches :-p but anyways, Tis preddy and sparkly and my phone won't let me put up pix as its clearly a vegetarian and can't cope with my meaty old photies ;-) I do really luff it tho as more than anything ... It's got green sparklies!! The most important thing In life clearly!