An hhmmmm and an aahhhh

Criptic enough title? Don't ask what it means coz I have no clue ... Just seemed to describe what is on my mind. I guess I haven't had time to post up about my latest hospital appt with the gynae, it went as well as expected, he has suggested some tests, another proctogram, which it would probably been a good idea to do one a year ago when it was clear the first surgery hadn't fixed me, instead I was shunt along to another surgeon with the covering letter "I can't manage this woman expectations, see if you can get rid of her" that I found went having surgery to remove some of the staples that were digging into me from first surgery that nipped and tucked part of my bowel, yes that's right folks, I had staples sticking into my arse on the inside and y'all wondered why I was a bit odd ... It felt a little like anal electrocution, actually ... A LOT like it. That is now ancient history and certainly not worth going over again in this post, so back to gynae. He is also sending me for a pelvic scan, he didn't say that certain things don't show up, in fact, short of ... You may require a total hysterectomy there wasn't much he did say apart from have tests and come back in 3 months and how having so many children normally will have done this ... So will living with a bowel condition no one would take seriously for 25+ years and are still not doing so. How much of this is because I am a disposable member of society, that, one the whole, the public would be better without me being counted amongst them. That concept does seem a little extreme, but I have come to recognise that the NHS does treat people like this, The elderly, the chronically ill, the disabled, I believe I am one of them. Probably because of my mother. She was one of the first British women to take advantage of the new abortion laws in 1967 and terminated a pregnancy at a clinic in half moon street london. Which is odd as there is no record of the actual clinic being there, just the place where you saw the 2 Phycs who decided if your mental state would be damaged by having he child ... Just as the procedure is today 45 years later. The way mother tells to story to all that will is listen is she was at a party for student nurses and doctors where she was drugged (read drank too much gin) and raped (read doesn't know the colour of the men she shagged) and my grandparents paid for her to terminate, my aunt went to visit and assures me she did have an abortion in 1967. At the same time however, and this is where it starts to get interesting) she was also knocking off a policeman name of John hill from Essex ( I know much more about him, the Internet is a wonderful tool) who had separated from his wife and children and was knocking off my mother. He was worried about loosing his job should he divorce and the stigma of having a child out of marriage, especially as he was still married to this other poor woman. So anyways, to add more dung to the shit heap, mother claims that this abortion was done by Caesarian section or hysterotomy. A very dangerous and not often used method of abortion. It would have left a very small scar along her bikini line ... It didn't. The scar she had is on par with my birth c/s scar that I was born from vertically. The same aunt that visited her with my Grandfather after the procedure assures me it was NOT by hysterotomy. I can only conlude that she had an earlier child, most likely around 1962, when she was discharged from the army nursing corp, the way she tells it it was for having a cat in the dorm, aunt tells it as a man ... Knowing mother, most likely the latter ... After this abortion in 1967 she was shipped downed here from Kent as mother would be unlikely to shut up about it and cause undue embarrassment for my grandparents, so in with my granfathers sister and her husband she moved and within 5 years met and coveted my fathers social status and family wealth so married him. About 16 months later I had to be born by c/s as her womb split and we both nearly died. The way she tells it, she was left for hours before the realised something serious was going wrongs and took her down for emergency c/s. A year or so later she go pregnant again, this time not by my father, infact looking back, no wonder my father is such a nasty bastard, he must have felt such a dick. She claims (and this one on is better than the party where she was drunkenly shagging all the coloured doctors) she had post natal depression (lie #1) and went to maternity unit for appointment (#2) and met an old colleague (#3) who thought she looked ill so looked up her address (#4) and came over to consol her and she ended up pregnant (# 5&6& maybe 7) and she never told my father, actually she got rid of me to my grandparents and my father was expected to build a relationship with my brother and for years he knew it was wrong, for years it was so blindly obvious that he was a fool to have turned a blind eye to it. I truely believe that my mothers mother knew, she did her very best to make me feel left out and other family members noticed. When i returned to my parents home when I was about 8 to live, my health issues started, my feet (accessory navicular -ask me about my lumpy feet) and my bowel issues, my back problems, asthma for which I received no medical help ever even after having attacks and going to doctors. I was told that it was in my head, it was not even written up often my gps visits. Mother would start with "she says... But I haven't found any evidence" because i lived with a nurse, she held herself up as evidence of my lack of symptoms. I was told I had eating disorders that they wouldnt help me with as they didnt believe they were particularly real illnesses, I just had to stop messing around and just eat something when I could not eat due to my bowel issues. I went to another gp once and told of my problems, he said i would have to sign on with his sugery to get help, but he was in wimborne st giles and i lived in poole,When I was 19 I got into hard drugs and became a heroin addict. For the first time I my life I had no pain and could function on all fronts. I could run forever, I could eat even tho I didn't ever feel hungry, I could walk for miles, I could work for hours and hours and hours without feeling dreadful. this didn't last, I was haunted by my past, the whole reasons I took drugs in the first place was because I couldn't handle my own head and when asking doctors for help, I was asked to leave the practice, or there we no doctors available to see me. I get this at my surgery now, but the gps have written such horrible things about me. I dont feel that anyone will ever take me seriously again. And I can ask myself a thousand times why does this happen? And I just don't know, is it because it was something starting before I a born? A kind of social cleansing? It didn't work if so, because i have gone on to have 5 children who are lucky to have such great health, a bit of asthma and touch of eczema but nothing like my brothers neglect (he has his own issues from that woman and not my place to go into) or mine. I will say tho, that he suffered neglect for many many years and that has caused him long term health conditions and lifelong implications. If anything I am more angry about the effects of her actions on my brothers life and the effects my problems have on my children, they don't deserve it, they are good people who deserve so much better and more than she's given. I probably deserved it. Quite honestly if I have been targeted as a disposable member of society I am firstly in whole hearted agreement as I do not feel like a worthy member of society and kudos for recognising that at such an early age and anger that they just haven't got it right and finished the job! It is almost a perverse pleasure I see in the eyes of health professionals that just know they have no intention of helping me, but get to tell me to fuck off in such a round about way. It's been 3 years and 2 months since I insisted I needed some help and all they have done is made my symptoms worse and my mental health even more unsteady. I rarely go out for fear of being caught out with an attack of the pain or if my bowel starts working or having to confront someone or something I feel is out of my depth. It happens, it happened recently and I still have to deal with the consequences I just haven't been well enough to go and "hand myself in" nor have I been allowed the time off from my duties as main carerer for my children. I was told I could do it in the evenings when he's available to look after my children, but evenings are very hard for me due to the whole state of the condition of my insides. Find that hard to believe of my husband ... Ask him!