A Visit To The Vet

Finally, I went to the vet 10 days ago.
A couple of months ago I go into see the vet (dr f) at the practice I attend that doesn't tell me I'm an aggressive nasty person who is expecting treatment for something they don't treat (what would that be then??? Silence is the stern reply) or write lies on my notes about me. I explained again about the gynae stuff I'd spoken to dr sh about in december who told me I'd not had a smear for 7 years so he felt I was refusing treatment, and about the frustration I feel at dr sm (january) for refusing to tell me what was going on with my referral as I was there about another matter, and the dismissive treatment I got from dr c (november) when attending an appt the dr from the pain clinic told me to make to get meds he recommended (the letter hadn't turned up and I was upset that I was expected to make another appt, i was in pain and very depressed, I told her I felt she didn't want to deal with me to which she shrugged her shoulders - as you can imagine this isn't how they have reported it on my notes) and she (dr f) said she was reluctant to send me for any further investigations as she believed i wasn't mentally strong enough mentally to deal with this.
what utter bollox.
I told my therapist and clinical psych from the pain clinic that the gp wanted their opinion of my mental health in early february.
my therapist finally spoke to her april 10th, they decided that i should defiantly go back to see dr f and discuss this further, I called to make an appt thinking that it would be within a reasonable amount of time ... 30th april, 3 weeks time. On the 3rd call, I explained I couldn't wait that long and was told in no uncertain terms that was the wait and I could take it or leave it, had the gp wanted to see me they would have called me to make an appt or left a note, she hasn't, so tough. I told her that I couldn't handle the wait that long, I had to see dr f and it was important. She rang me back a couple of hours later to give me an appt for friday 13th ...
lots happened, lots was said ... she hadn't realised that it was the waiting that was messing with my head ... WTF??? How exactly is one supposed to feel when your whole life is dedicated to being told its in my head, not real, not worth investigation, my children have lost a large portion of their childhood and their mother to this, everyday I find it impossible to keep calm, not to scream in fear and pain and anger and frustration and of course the children get affected, they have to spend their lives waiting to see how it all is ... if i am going to be grumpy, crying, ok, bursting with energy and desperate to get things up together like the washing, shopping, cleaning etc. their school holidays are spent waiting to see how their mother is, if she can face going out, if she can risk it. during the easter break, i went out 5x, 2 therapist appt, one dr and 2 coffee shop visits which ended up both times me doubled up in agony and having to leave before we were ready. I have been asking for help for more years than I care to remember, this year one of the schools put me a family support worker in place. My husband went to dr sh and asked for referral to CAMSH for counsilling to help our family deal with this, my kids see that I get no help, no meds, no dr's appts, no specialist, no family and they think I'm lying ... why shouldn't they? there is nothing to make it seem like I'm being truthful apart from my black mood when I'm in pain or doubling up in a shop, over a trolly, in a cafe with pain ... dr sh was not helpful and suggested we had too many children and should seek our own social services help. In all fairness, everything she has offered me hasn't been anything I could take advantage of. She offered one child a place on a course, when i asked if another could take it, was told no, she was not attending a school this woman could refer from. The child that wanted to go, but couldn't blamed me. Naturally ...
She also said she felt that my gynae issues could be contributing to my bowel pain etc. no??? really???? Didn't I say that? And surely if that were the case they would have referred me a year ago no as the first surgeons minions told me they would 2 years ago?? erm no, that would mean they noticed that i was calling asking whom i should make appt's with to manage my pain ... that my case was reviewed, taken seriously blah blah blah ... yes, I'm internalising a problem with a system that is screwed, I know I'm taking it personally, but how is it not personal? It my name that gets lost in systems, missed off reminders, overlooked, looked at with disgust when asked why.
Another classic was "I think maybe after all the damage *you* have done to your bowel with this condition you may have an atonic bowel to a certain degree which would account for many your symptoms" ya don't say, that is what I was saying for years ... the years I was being told I was fat and should stop eating, drink more water and do more exercise.
That I was upset when seeing the surgeon as he was telling me something he should have told me 4 months before, and it has taken a further 4 months for her to see, read and act on his recommendation means I'm 2/3 of a year down ... again ... why should I not being fucking raging about it?? But as soon I mention how sad I am that another chuck has been put down to oversights, I'm being unreasonable, putting the wrong person in the firing line, aggressive. To whom do I tell this then? That every day I think of a different way and a different reason to cease this living shit and I'm guilt tripped into surviving with half promises of help and a future, I wonder why I am so jaded?
Shall we have a quick recki of times ... started when i was 10 ... 25 years of being told it was all my fault/in my head ... discover its not ... get messed about, have surgery with PROMISES of improvement ... its got worse? oh go see someone else, surgeon doesn't wish to be reminded he failed ... 2nd surgeon forgets to hide the letter from first surgeon saying i was a bitch doesn't wanna do follow up so I'm *overlooked* for 4 months ... we are nearing the 30 year mark ...
I'll round up the jist of her appt, she's referring me, to gynae for a subtotal hysterectomy and go onto HRT and to a neurogastoenterologist fella in southampton and see what he thinks of this I guess ...
This morning I got my choose and book letter, I get to choose from one consultant at one hospital ... Wow! This choice thing rocks! I chose an appt on friday the 19th may ... even tho there isnt a friday 19th may ... its the 18th ... which the surgical team with ok before sending me a letter, only once I have the letter is the appt booked