It's been a couple of months since I blogged, I've had much on my mind. The last time I was here, I was rather heart broken and it doesn't get better, I just get better at hiding it. Pretending that I belong and it's the right thing and all that. I've also been trying to chase up various hospital things, I've seen a gynaecologist and a neurogastroenterologist, the later wants the notes from the former and been requesting them since July, the local hospital where I've been seeing the gynae have claimed there are no notes, I'm due to see the gynae on Friday with a view to discussing what the neurogastroenterologist has said, but he hasn't said anything because they haven't had my notes. I just don't know what to do, my GP said he cannot help me any further, the gynae want the out come of the neurogastro and the neurogastro haven't got one because they have no information ... But I'm in pain, pain the doctor doesn't know what to do about it, pain the neurogastro was supposed to be investigating, pain the gynae won't even acknowledge and only what to deal with the obvious signs of a problem, pain I cannot think through but still have to try to run a house and family and life through, pain that makes the Tuesday morning 1 hour 45 mins long school run daunting and best, terrifying at worst, all the while trying not to run myself off the road and hide it from my children. Pain that makes me quiet and short tempered because trivial shit just irritates me and I'd rather not be subjected to it, pain that I try and block out only to be repeated told in a loud and condescending voice that I am making other people miserable by my failings as a woman and person. I'd be sorry if it were really my fault, I've done the sorry thing though and it and it was just a spring board for more guilt trips, more attacks on my personality and forces me further into my own head space and ignoring world outside my body.
Due to the lack of care within the NHS I have discussed with my husband and with my clinical psyc from the pain clinic that I am attending, that I no longer wish to pursue matters with either gynae or neurogastro, I feel that the stress of it and the lack of understanding and treatment is actually making my life worse. My husband, naturally, choose this as another spring board to launch into an attack of my selfish nature and how he has done so much for me in coming to appointments (at his own insistence) and at home (his home, here in England where he chooses his family lives) and how ungrateful I have been to throw it back in his face by daring to suggest that maybe it isn't what i want? This came hot on the heels of being in pain and expressing how upset I was that my follow up to my consultant was not getting anywhere and felt I was wasting my time. It has been 11 months since it was suggested I was referred to him, which was after I'd been lost in a system for 4 months due to an 'oversight' ... Another one ...
In march it will be 4 years since I first pursued the fact that I have been suffering for many years persistent abdominal pain. I am bored of this, I am bored of waiting and not knowing and waiting more and still not knowing and being told that it all takes time, but it isn't taking anyone else's time, they aren't doing anything, just my time, just my life, just sucking everything from me with fear of going out, fear of being upset by it because it will get me nowhere just on a downward spiral of depression for which I shall be duly punished by my husband and children for failing to give them what they expect from me. On my better days, when I grab the chance to go for a coffee or orange juice with friends, usually that I haven't seen in a long time, it comes back to bite me on the arse, you never want to be with us hatt, you never go out with me hatt, you're always out with your mates hatt, whenever you go out daddy always is angry at us, from one of them. I'm in a catch 22, psyc says make an hour a day for yourself, try to go out with your friends when you are feeling better, when I do either of those I have several hours of being shouted or moaned at, I have all the little tasks that I may have suggested someone else do to do, or I may just have to have children around me 24/7 for the next 2 weeks, or maybe all of the above. I never know.
It's what my husband refers to as the benefits of a relationship with him.
