Since I posted, and I've got quite a bit to update y'all on. I have had several appointments with various health professionals for what they are worth ... Guess I should start with them ...
I saw the gynae in May, he sent me for tests, a desecrating proctogram (where I went to visit the wizard ... Disembodied voice behind a curtain asking me to poo) and a pelvic scan. The results were to be given to me in 2-3 weeks from the middle of June ... Yes, of course, I'm still waiting! And a pelvic scan which was clear ... Wonder if they will take that as the scan showed nothing or there was nothing for the scan to show. Scan being only about 50% accurate.
Also had an appointment with a very nice Dr in Southampton, Nick Coleman a neurogastroenterologist. He was a little mystified as to why I had had so few tests ... But my previous posts explain that I think.
So, from what I can gather, gynae said I'm knackered have it all ripped out, not having any more children (most because I am broken ... But there may be some other reasons too) so what the point of keeping it all when it gives me so much grief (not being able to leave the house for more than an hour for 3-4 days of the month, hormonal response in my gut too, I was told I would NEED an hormone test too but that hasn't happened) I had the tests he recommended, my 2nd appointment for the 17th August I believed my GP was going to see if she could get it any sooner as it has been 2 months since the tests he ordered, but nothing except the GP surgery refusing me appointments as we live out of their catchment area and have been for 5 years, only it seems to be a problem now. When I last saw my GP she said she would write me a letter of introduction in the event that we are not moving back to the areas and would be looking for a new surgery. I got the letter which states that I take my bad moods out on my care givers ... Oh that is really helpful ... When actually, I get very frustrated, fearful and it takes every gram of self control I have not to run away crying when I am not listened to, when I am told again it cannot be that bad, not in the 30 years I have been suffering with this had one doctor areas through my notes before I walk through the door, not one has understood that I want to end my life because I cannot cope with this. Thinking about the future terrifies me. I don't want to think about a future where this is still ruling my life. The alternative is my children growing up believe their mother never loved them enough to stay alive for them.
When the reality is, they are all I have to live for.
I haven't heard anything from dr Coleman, but I guess he would write to my GP whom I am no longer allowed to see, so that's screwed that up for me ... All he really had to say is that there seemed to be more than one thing going on and that if I had some sort of functional disorder, I was basically hearing the noises from my gut as death metal at 300dcbs and everyone else has Mozart at 30dcbs and that he would not recommend a subtotal hysterectomy if that were the case as it would just make everything worse.
And my CBT has finished. I think she empathised with me and felt my frustration and maybe tried to give my fears and bizarre mindsets a little bit of validity because they are what's got me through and because actually, when an uncomfortable health condition is ignored for 25 years+ and then for 3 years played down, made worse and ignored, then yes, it does make people ... Odd. I was able to kind of get to the bottom of some of my coping strategies but didn't really address changing them. Maybe because I can't at the moment or maybe she cared about as much as the rest ... I like to think she *got* my sense of humour and wanted to help me ... Then remembered she was getting paid to sit n listen to me. So whether she got me or whatever, she got paid, she listened, there are no more sessions, I am not better in any way.
